EMOTIONAL, WITH NO "TIME OF THE MONTH"

When I set this blog up, it was for family and friends to get a glimpse of what the Carter household is up to. For grandparents to have a sneak peak at what their children and grandchildren are doing. I also started this blog for ME. Something I can turn to whether it be the exciting celebrations we have as a family to a venting session for me. Something that is mine, that I can talk about. Well this is one of those posts that I need to vent, a release if you will...

My emotions have ran high the past few days!!! I feel like I could break down and cry in a moments notice... I feel like It's that time of the month... People, I don't have that time of the month anymore!!! No more do I have to bleed for seven days straight, no more do I have cramps and no more do I have to buy or wear those stupid woman diapers!!! That is what a hysterectomy does!!! So why is it that I am having EMOTIONAL PMS??? do your hormones still "think" your having a period?? I would much rather bleed for seven days then feel like this... I can't even have a "normal" conversation with my sister without feeling like the world is against me... like no one loves me type of feeling, I'm on the defense... I feel like my world is imploding!!! I can't take a joke, I can't have a serious conversation, I'm a mess!!!

I have thought long and hard as to why I'm feeling this way... Rewind a few days back. Sure I ran out of my anti-depressant pills for a few days... I called to refill them and forgot to pick them up... Is that why I'm losing control?? Over a pill??? If you know me you know I'm a huge believer in "happy pills" they make life a little easier to tolerate. But not taking them for a couple days shouldn't make a huge difference, or does it???

Rewind to Saturday, What a great day... Got dressed up in an adult costume, was on my way out to have a great time at a party. Felt good, felt pretty, hell I felt down right sexy that night!!! and thats different for me...

I was going to attend a party with close friends, who I felt comfortable with, confident with, I felt like I could be my crazy self and they wouldn't mind... I could "check out" of reality for a bit, not care about the real world around me.. Good food, good people, SOME good conversation... All in all it was a good time!!!

And in a split second it wasn't so great... I don't know where or when the turning point began... All of a sudden it got real uncomfortable. Now I'm a communicator, I think I'm an easy person to talk to, I can talk to all walks of life, sober people, not so sober people. I was talking to a friend or so I think this person is my friend, not a close friend, we have been through alot, ups and downs, we don't see eye to eye on most things, but the caring feelings are there on my part. We were in an in depth conversation, about many different things; kids, work, life, school. A subject came up that we didn't agree on, I won't get into the details, just note that it was a subject we didn't agree on. I love a challenge, I love when two adults can discuss a subject that they both disagree on, put there feelings out there, view the pros and cons of it, DEBATE!!! there was no debating going on... I don't know where this came from, the persons heart or from the alcohol...This person not only disagreed with what I thought and said, they pretty much put me down, made me feel like I am a horrible person for the choice I made on this matter, even when I wasn't asking for an opinion. This person was rude and condescending. For that second in time it made me question my integrity, my mothering skills, my purpose.. I looked to others for visual comfort, to see if I took something the wrong way, I didn't, what was said was down right mean and uncalled for. The worst part, This person probably doesn't remember ever having this conversation because of alcohol... They don't remember and I'll never forget... GREAT COMBINATION!!!!

I thought that was the worst part of the night, it wasn't, it went down hill, a train wreck that you didn't want to see but couldn't take your eyes off of it... This person had no right saying the comment that was said, I will NOT repeat it for it is way to inappropriate, childish, junior highish. It hurt, it dug deep, It was personal. It came from a person, not really my friend, a friend of a friend I guess you could say. I tried to shrug it off, not let it get to me, went on with my evening. Somewhere in the back of my mind it sat there and started smoldering, burning my brain so to speak. I held on.... Yet again, this person will not remember this comment was even said, but I will NEVER forget. You can't apologize and mean it if you don't remember saying it. I guess thats where it hurts, I could have lashed back at both of these people right then and there, but what good would that do when alcohol had taken over every part of their brain.

Things like this don't effect me they don't get me down, or they shouldn't atleast. My dad taught me, if you care what other people think of you, your better off not leaving the house. I do try to live by that. I guess when you keep so much inside it builds and your bound to explode... I EXPLODED all right. I broke down, cried, cried some more, tried to talk as I cried... pretty much blubbered... Nonetheless I appreciate the people I could blubber to.

I think I'm on the mend, I hope I'm on the up and up... I have been taking my "happy pills" for a few days now so I think they are starting to kick back in. I needed to vent, write my feelings down, make them "real", see them in front of me. Hopefully this has cleansed my heart, mind and soul. I am giving this to God, I don't want to hold the hurtful feelings anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I learned so much that night....

What I do know now is that I will never put myself out there, put my feelings on the line. I have learned to be smart, I will leave with the ones who know when to leave... EARLY... I have really great friends, we have a close group, we come from all walks of life... we all disagree on something, thats what I love about them....but alot of alcohol for some people can bring out the worst in them...